It was really disorienting. The setting is majestic, with a view of the Pacific Ocean just a few miles away. The hare moves as fast as possible, hands a blur, instruments clattering, falling to the floor; the skin slips open like a curtain, the skull flap is on the tray before the bone dust settles. What tense was I living in? If time dilates when one moves at high speeds, does it contract when one moves barely at all?
Then once it was done, I was like, “This feels so fresh, and I suddenly feel fresh.” It’s the kind of thing where you just have to trust your instinct. Which was correct? Even though I wasn’t surprised by the fact of it, it was very hard to walk out of the hospital. I recently celebrated my 15th college reunion; it seemed rude to respond to parting promises from old friends, “we’ll see you at the 25th!” with “probably not!”. That message is simple: When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied.
Most ambitions are either achieved or abandoned; either way, they belong to the past. Kalanithi: I found, when Paul was sick and in some ways with being a mother, this ferocity of love. Perhaps later than I think, but certainly sooner than I desire. Costello: What do you want your daughter to know about her dad? Paul was more sure than I was that he wanted to have a child. There was a striking contrast for me. A brightening newness surrounds her. Yet one thing cannot be robbed of her futurity: my daughter, Cady. Republished with permission from Stanford Medicine magazine. The funny thing about time in the operating room, whether you frenetically race or steadily proceed, is that you have no sense of it passing. A Strange Relativity: altered time for surgeon-turned- patient - a video of Paul Kalanithi during his illness. I recently celebrated my 15th college reunion; it seemed rude to respond to parting promises from old friends, "We'll see you at the 25th!" Once the final stitch is placed and the wound is dressed, normal time suddenly restarts. Here’s what I think.” It was this real entree into feeling less alone. The future tense seemed vacant and, on others’ lips, jarring. Those last few administrative tasks before leaving the hospital, however far post-meridian you stood, felt like anvils. A chief resident will advise a junior: “Learn to be fast now – you can learn to be good later.” Everyone’s eyes are always on the clock.
Kalanithi was married to Lucy (née Goddard), with whom he had a daughter in 2014, Elizabeth Acadia ("Cady").
Then he decided not to do it, which was really brave and hard. For everyone else’s sake: what time are we getting out of here tonight? I could barely move my legs walking out of the hospital. Costello: When you discovered Paul was seriously ill, you must have had two reactions. Costello: In the final days of Paul’s life, what was most important to him? ©2020 Verizon Media.
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